Funny Status Messages

   Malaysian Airlines - Worse with planes than Casey Anthony is with children!

   Apparently there is a difference between Hamas and Hummus... So I have been avoiding my fridge for nothing.

   A pine tree planted in 2004 in memory of former Beatle George Harrison in a Los Angeles park has died after being infested by beetles.

   I like to buy someone a birthday gift at CVS so then I can make a ribbon out of the receipt ‪#‎recycle‬

   When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.

   Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.

   If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it

   I'm so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..

   I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

   It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

   People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?

   "Pro-Russian rebels" You mean the Russian army?

   I'd put down my phone for you.

   HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.

   I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.

   There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything

   It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter

   I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..

   You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.

   It's national hot dog day! Time to come and get your weenie ladies.