Funny Status Messages

   I just want to hang out with some people whose asses I don't have to wipe. Is that too much to ask.?

   Dude I'm in my prime, you don't need the roofies.

   If you can't handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin from USA: if we send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   Have you ever been at the beach and looked at the face of a scantly-clad teenager and think; "Jail Bait." But than look at her body and wonder just how much jail time they are talking about?

   Luis Suarez has signed with barcelona for 70 million euros...that's a big bite out of the team's budget!

   The 2 living Popes come from the final 2 remaining countries in the World Cup. Checkmate Atheists!!

   So the Miami Heat lose LeBron James to the Cleveland Cavs... so what!?! Let me know when they lose Justin Bieber to steam roller.

   Siri, how do I unburn a jersey?

   All these folks that use to be a Heat Fan...are now a wherever He-At fan.....

   Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?....."IN loving memorie of all those who died here?"

   ..Why do some women wear panties with flowers on them?....."IN loving memories of all the faces that have been buried here..."

   fall in love with someone who treats you like Kanye West treats Kanye West.

   If you're going to make assumptions, start with the assumption that you are a shallow idiot.

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.

   When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?

   Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.