Funny Status Messages

   If only you can see the Face I'm makiong ....When you add another plate in the sink while I'm washing the freakin dishes!!!!

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   Saw a guy wearing a backwards, upside down visor. I assume he DOESN'T want to block sun but DOES want to collect rain.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.

   It was just sex until I said "I do" and now we don't.

   If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

   People that ask if you're there yet are the reason why vibrat0rs exist

   *accidentally answers phone call* *pretends to be answering machine*

   "You're as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care

   Lonely, Sober and Miserable sound like the same sh*t to me.

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   Let’s proudly wave our American flags made in China.

   238 years ago today, Thomas Jefferson wrote the ultimate breakup letter. You mad Britain? Merica.

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   tonight the sky will be like most of my family.....pretty well lit up

   Shaggy is playing in the world cup for Brazil as Fred.