Funny Status Messages

   I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren't we helping to find them?

   The amount of stuff coming out of this woman's handbag as she searched for her keys, I wouldn't be surprised if that missing Malaysian plane is in there too.

   My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he's all wagging his tail, but I know he's not listening. I get it ladies

   So I want you Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy..dissapointing, right?

   I like to think that "I don't give a f*&k', but I don't not give a f*&k nearly as much as this dude sitting next to me on the train whos watching hardcore anime p0rn.

   Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking and it's going down. I'm yelling timber

   You don’t get to choose who you love but you get to choose which underwear you’ll wear tomorrow and that shouldn’t be taken for granted.

   Jay Carney steps down as White House press secretary to rejoin Weezer.

   President OBama hires pinocchio as new Press Secretary.

   The Zoo is a safe place to fart.

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.

   If Godzilla ever goes on a rampage in Florida, I would move to Lego Lan. Because nobody likes stepping on a Lego #GodzillaKryptonite

   Everyone knows you can just buy M&M's instead of trail mix,, right?

   Question for the Christian folks...When Moses parted the red sea, did he say anything? Like Ta-Daaaaaa!!!

   Breaking up with someone because you told them a joke and they didn't laugh is a good enough reason.

   Did anyone else get upset when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

   If Eric Shenseki is no longer a government employee, does this mean he has to sign up for ObamaCare?

   God take the wheel, your son is busy carrying someone down the beach.

   RIP, Maya Angelou. You were my favorite Ninja Turtle.