Funny Status Messages

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   Side boob is only hot on women, bro.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.

   I'm not saying I hate you but if I could go back in time I'd buy you a ticket on the missing Malaysian plane.

   Sorry I grabbed your crotch while looking for my moral compass.

   -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

   The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

   Sometimes you have to dream in the middle of a nightmare.

   The stupid doctor keeps insisting that I suffer from Adult ADD ... What an idiot!! ... Heck, as far as I'm concerned SQUIRREL!!!!

   I used to talk the talk and walk the walk until I met you; and now, I'm howling with the wolves like you.

   The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses.

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   I bet global warming is caused by all the baby boomer women hitting menopause.

   I just realized the one single thing that would preclude me from becoming a biker. I bathe.

   According to my current parking spot, I'm Chief of Police.

   My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the stong, but that's the way to bet.

   Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are under investigation by CPS, Sounds like someones about to go live with their auntie and uncle in Bel Air..