Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here kitty kitty, Screaming at the can of food will not make it open by itself.

   had fun going to a Target store with a red shirt on the other day. And no, I did not have to do clean up on Aisle Eleven !

   Why do banks leave both doors open but they chain the pens to the counter?

   Politicians should serve two terms. One in office, one in prison

   Troy McClure. You might remember me from such drivers ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of LarryLeadfoot."

   I love you in a "leave me alone" kinda way!

   I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special

   Skinny jeans is like a cheap motel..... NO BALL ROOM!!!!

   told his Mom she should get on Facebook and she said she's been putting on makeup for 40 years and doesn't need a book to tell her how to do it.

   Dear BP, ....Lower your gas prices a good amount and we'll call it even.

   don't call the RSPCA if your boyfriend sends you the text 'i want to kick your puppy'......he's just using predictive text

   drink wisely....DONT spill!

   to let a fool kiss you is stupid, to let a kiss fool you is worse

   s(HE) be(LIE)ve(D)

   lying on lawn, waiting for Google Earth to take a photo of him.

   Nancy Pelosi quoting bible scripture about dignity and worth of every person.....Thats Classic from a woman that is a voice for abortion.

   I've got a new car, but I only get three miles to the gallon. My teenage son gets the rest!

   The best way to make an old car run better is to look at the price of a new one.

   ObamaCare: Prescription for disaster.

   I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. ‘Please, I'll only put it in for a minute.' What am I, a microwave?