Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im not watching the news anymore, too depressing, I rather watch Forensic Files instead.

   thinks KFC donating money to breast cancer research is like the mafia giving money to the neighborhood church.

   Please give your Mother's an Extra Big Hug tomorrow for those who can no longer hug theirs here on earth... Cherish the Moment.

   logged into myspace, felt like I was cheating behind facebook's back

   wants to write "Navidad" under the "For Lease" sign up the street.

   If Microsoft made actual windows,our houses would be full of thieves and prostitutes.

   “We don't stop laughing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop laughing”

   wants to wish everyone a happy Mother's Eve, not to be confused with Summer's Eve... a feminine hygiene product.

   when I was a lil kid I thought picking toys in the toy store was hard, now that I turn 21 picking alcohol in the liquor store is harder.

   Have you ever dreamed you were peeing and thought to yourself in the dream, "Why is this taking so long to stop peeing?" Only to wake up and find your bed sop'n wet?...Me either

   God couldn't be everywhere, so he created mothers. Happy mothers day!

   "Old people need to urinate all the time... That's why they call it the golden years"

   I think Pringles originally intended to make tennis balls

   Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

   Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

   The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

   I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

   I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

   My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.

   The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.