Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm waiting for the day Ziploc quits the pretentiousness with the sandwiches and just starts putting weed right on the box.

   Just read an article about the stock market, and there were three things in it that I didn't quite understand: Every, single, word.

   I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.

   a slurpee a day keeps the teacher away

   What's better???????.... A hot woman drinking more than you or that same woman buying you drinks?

   like the real live version of the state fair..

   Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.

   This other dude at a store just asked me if tulips were annuals or perrinials. I should probably change out of this pink shirt.

   In 2011 the government will start killing all mentally challenged people. I started crying when I thought of you. Run my little retard, save yourself.

   My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think..

   when I die, bury me with all my debts and a cell phone so I can haunt them for a change.

   I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into her again.

   (sigh) women

   Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of pure hallucinations

   a 5 yr old who must be alot smarter than me, because I din't know everything until I was a teenager

   if your lookin for Sympathy it is in the dictionary between S*it and Syphilis...

   s it possible to set the Gulf of Mexico on fire and turn it into a giant fish fry?

   The U.N. is trying to outlaw the use of lol since it is the international symbol for a drowning person.

   did it all for the nookie