Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On this rediculously windy day I have decided to reinforce my toupee with extra strength polly grip

   OUCH! Why does a papercut always have to feel like a gunshot wound!?!

   Friday...the dirty librarian of the days of the week...she starts out all respectable but by 11 o'clock you know some crazy sh#ts going down...

   It took me many years to lose my mind. Why the hell would I want a piece of yours?

   Glow-in-the-dark condoms: now you see it, now you don't!

   whew... stocks drop 900 points..... wish it were like a married woman and rarely went down

   walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k,128k,256k,512k and 1mb. That was a trip down memory lane

   went to a shrink today. She says I have a split personality. Charged me 84.00. I paid her 42.00 and told her to get the rest from the other biyach!

   It's hotter than the devils fart outside!

   I don't care if you don't accept my friend request. Just thought you'd like to see what we say about you on our wall!

   You never realize how weird your family is until you start to describe them to someone else

   In about 50 years from now, tombstones will read 'Beloved Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, and Facebook friend

   dear idiot driver, if you piss me off again I'll show you the finger, a few choice words & the horn all in 3 sec . You call it road rage, I call it multitasking

   beat the heck out of the alarm clock this morning. It's currently on life support, but if it tries that $hit again tomorrow, I'm pulling the plug!!!

   Today's weight loss tip: Use superglue as lip gloss!!

   Where there is a Will.............. Put Me In It

   If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

   I love it when Friday is in town :))))) because she always brings her friends Saturday and Sunday along too!

   wants to keep hot coffee and doughnuts in her car, so that when a cop asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" I can say, "Yes I do" and hand them to the officer!

   When we get older, what r we gonna tell our grand kids?!... "When I was ur age, I sat on my a$$, all day on facebook!" The future looks bright, doesn't it?