Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   that I swear for every app I block from my newsfeed on FB, three more appear. It's like a computer virus that keeps evolving just to screw with me...

   they should make a whiskey called May... jus for today

   taliking to his wall. sssshhhh!!!!!!!

   Im like domino's pizza, if I dont come in 30 minutes the next one is free.

   Today, I went to the movies. When I got out, I saw that someone hit my car but were nice enough to leave a note. It said, "Ouch - that's going to cost you some money." They signed it with a happy face sticking out its tongue

   Don't try to outweird me--I get stranger things then you free with my breakfast cereal.

   He who dies with the most toys is, nonetheless, still dead.

   people who have pitbulls are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves!

   I no longer fear hell -- I've worked in Retail.

   I'm not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

   busy writing a note to self: DO NOT PUNCH IN THE FACE (AGAIN) the dude sitting in the next cubicle no matter how annoying his vacation tale is !!!

   when I was younger I thought it was so important that I impress my peers, now that I am older it is amazing how much those people really don't matter.

   i was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy I would have nothing to play with!

   We should handle everything in life like a Dog would... if you can't eat it or play with it then just pee on it and walk away.

   I'm pretty damn sure me wife is in the 33% of the married women who claim their pets are better listeners than their husbands - last night I saw the cat desparately going through my draw, may be trying to find my noise cancellation headphones !!!

   wants you to remember the "Golden Rule"....whoever has the gold, makes the rules.

   sitting on the poarch squirting squirrels with a 70 foot squirt gun! Take that you ratts!!!

   So, the Phoenix Suns are going to have "Los Suns" on their jerseys for the next game. I think that "el esquema de marketing" would be more appropriate.

   Maybe the Greeks wouldn't be so broke if they would stop having big fat weddings

   Happy Cinco de Mayo! Viva Tequila!! Just cause me and Mr. Cuervo don't always get along, doesn't me we won't be Tangoing the night away! Fiesta !!!