Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the last song LIL WAYNE wants to hear in prison is LICK IT LIKE A LOLLIPOP

   not as thunk as you drink I am occifer...i was just podging dotholes...

   If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

   Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

   i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

   KFC is donating money towards breast cancer. They don't want anything killing their customers except heart disease.

   Why is it that everyone is either trying to preserve or disprove who they were in highschool? We were all a bunch of midget dipsh*ts making minimum wage covered in pimples

   Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint

   I am used but in good condition

   I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll have sex with me

   I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Some say the glass is half full, some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?”

   i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me

   not easily offended and easily offends. Life is so unfair...

   Whenever I go near a bank I get withdrawal symptoms.

   I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy D!ck are the same person..

   My biggest regret in life is eating whatever that was I found under my keyboard about 10 minutes ago.

   Sly Pakistani guy try to fly sky high to Dubai. We deny. Bye, bye!

   Sometimes all it takes is a simple change in attitude to turn your life around. =]