Funny Status Messages
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Join the rev al sharpton and boycott Barney's 
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
I don't understand how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.
A CIVIL war is where people are nice and polite to each other “Excuse me kind sir, would you mind having your head chopped off?”
Doc: Do you sleep with your contacts? Me: Only the pretty ones.
I question guys right in the middle of sex, like: 'Are you enjoying this? Have I been courteous & kind? Would you recommend me to a friend if we ever break up?'
If Jesus did jokes and not parables he’d probably have more than 12 followers.
son, I checked your internet history the other day. it was completely empty, which can only mean one thing. why don't you use the internet?
Life is just better when you're laughing.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
As long as I can still scare white folks, I'm not a sellout.
I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.
When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing
My internet connection failed all afternoon and I had to open a book and read it ...like a wild animal.
R.I.P. Lou Reed... hope you're now taking a walk on the wild side....
Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj jump off the Empire State Building. Who hits first?......Who cares?
Kitchen Tip: Black currants resemble mouse turds but have a subtly different flavor... Substitute freely for turds in any recipe. *Martha Stuart Little*
I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?
Love is often thought of as an emotion that takes time to develop. In reality, love is just a seed that gets planted. It grows when nourished. Fortunately in my case, my seed is a microwave popcorn seed ... 