Funny Status Messages
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In the business world, the rearview mirror is always clearer than the windshield. 
Yes girl you can cook, give great head, have a great sense of fashion, are kind, beautiful, sexy, and have a great smile but can you twerk?
He banged Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel and Cinderella. So how is Prince Charming any different than any other playa?
Girlfriends are like songs. No matter how much you love it, if you hear it all the time it will eventually drive you nuts.
The best time to tell your girlfriend you've been sleeping with her best friend is when she starts saying things like "not tonight, I have got a headache"
Some of the most dangerous, poisonous kinds of snakes are hard to identify because they look just like a friend.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've wished I had a dollar.
Sometimes success isn't about what you accomplished, but what you didn't fall victim to.
If I ever get mugged, I hope the thief is kind enough to let me Instagram how scared I look.
I love watching my girlfriend sleep. How her lips don't move and no words come out.
What doesn't kill me, is of no interest to my ex wife.
You had me at, "Hello." You lost me at, "I have a cat."
People who say I'm detached from reality make me want to fix my ship and return to my home planet.
I'm the guy who would give a dying man a bottle of whiskey and some kind words. Knowing I'd get the whiskey back in a few minutes anyhow.
I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything.
The show catfish just shows how many functioning illiterates are out there
THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: We need whipped cream. We need whipped cream ;)
Yes I'm back in the GYM working on my 6 pack already burned four, two more beers to go.
You are so sweet I have a crush on you... Oops! its just me thinking out loud while playing candy crush....
Tongue rings make no sense to me, esp if you're a dude. 