Funny Status Messages
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Ever kill a Sasquatch in the forest and then realize it was just your neighbor Dave getting his mail in the lobby? Drugs are funny sometimes 
Dinners not done until the smoke detector says it is.
Given the places I've had my tongue, no we cannot "just be friends".
I'm SO flexible,,,, I end up putting my foot in my mouth daily.
You always hear about so and so getting robbed at gunpoint and this person or that was held up at gunpoint. My question? Where the Hell is Gunpoint and why does everyone keep going there?
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
These arrmy commercials always show video game stuff they don't show dudes tryna eat a pizza with no hands when they get back
My superpower is waking up more tired than before I slept.
Give it up, we get it... Your wife is your dog and your girlfriend is your hand
Very little scares me. So does very big.
I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."
It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I'm always like, "I love you," and they're like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Sometimes I run toward people and get so frustrated that they don't know I want to do the Dirty Dancing lift. Then it just becomes awkward.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase. But it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.
f your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.
To "scratch" your balls is a false saying. It's more of a "pinch and roll"
If you wear Hollister past seventh grade I'm just gonna assume you enjoy the taste of another man's schlong.
Ladies If it takes you more than a hour to get ready, then you aren't as cute as you think you are
Telling a girl to "calm down" is like trying to baptize a cat.
Your parents payed your iPhone, MacBook and bought you car? And they're paying for your school? Please, tell me how hard your life is. 