Funny Status Messages

   I just invented a birth control pill for men. I figure it makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bullet proof vest.

   Peanut butter is the cheese of the candy world

   Bigamy: Alternate wifestyles

   If you smile in shopping centre and you have teeth, everyone will think you're crazy.

   If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate,, it is not me. I believe I've been hacked.

   How am I supposed to know if this cucumber fits if I can't take it into the changing room?

   It's a good thing Whoopi Goldberg can use one of her dreads as a tampon if she ever runs out.

   Still waiting to be told I've been being punk'd all these years.

   Don’t fear the gods, fear the reality that created them.

   I went out to the end of my driveway wearing a bathrobe to get the paper and there wasn't a single neighbor around to say hi. Movies lie.

   Even the devil shakes his head at people that put raisins in cookies.

   Log off facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking purposes.

   I don't always listen to progressive rock. But when I do, so do the neighbors!

   My neighbours are listening to some awesome music today.... I hope they don't tell me to turn it down!!

   It's gotten so bad here I can't remember the last time I made it past the first page.

   If you are getting it for free, you have no right to complain about the quality.

   My car is making an odd noise right now, but I treat my car problems like my emotional problems, ignore them until a breakdown.

   Not only was I too embarrassed to tell the doctor about my symptoms, when I searched for it on WebMD, I added "asking for a friend"

   In the London Marathon I did 4 hours, 1 minute and 9 seconds last year. Will try to beat that, but I seem to get bored and turn over to watch something else.

   Todd Harrell, The bassist for rock band 3 Doors Down has been charged with vehicular homicide by intoxication after he was involved in a crash that killed another driver. Sources say he will be starting a new band called, 3 Cells Down.