Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   I'd be lying if I said I didn't like Nickelback. I'd also be lying if I said I'd be lying if said I didn't like Nickelback.

   Support your local record store today, because you can't roll a joint on a download b*tches.

   eyjafjallajokull? that's honestly more of a drunk status update than a volcano.

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius!

   I was just asked to touch base with a female co-worker on a project. I hope it's 2nd base...

   I like to refer to celebrity relationships with huge age differences like speeding tickets, Ex: Hef is currently doing 84 in a 20

   My body is not my temple... It's more like a bar and grill...

   When they tell you not to mix chemicals they're f*cking serious. On a related note: high as f*ck and my house might explode...

   I call it a Hamburger Salad, and I don't see how it's any of your business.

   I've just drank Gatorade.. still waiting to sweat colors...

   Well there's only one way to find out how many of my coworkers secretly wish that I'd punch them...

   Going to Prehab... On the off chance that I get addictions...

   it just me or does orange juice taste funny without vodka?

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   How can anybody call themselves a Life Coach when they haven't even played a whole game yet?

   I just ate so much ravioli I could sh*t an Italian. If it turns out to be Snooki, you all better thank me when I flush that crazy b*tch.

   thinking about starting a group called "Just let me put the head in". Who wants to become a fan?

   Eyjafjallajokull is more like a baby typing on a computer than a volcano!

   was gonna go on a date tonight but his Farmville eggplant were supposed to be ready so he had to cancel.