Funny Status Messages

   At the start of a relationship her snoring is gentle music. 5 years later you loom over her with a pillow and a distant look in your eye.

   My Ultra Sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Not sure how these ducks got into this Starbucks. Or teenage girls. Hard to tell really.

   If losing me wrecked your life, you seem to have forgotten what having you did to mine...

   I don't want to 'complete' anyone, I would rather date someone that already has their sh*t together....

   Walmart is a Zoo for people.

   I love my lucky rabbit's foot because nothing says good fortune like the severed limb of an adorable, defenseless, woodland creature.

   Never send Dennis Rodman to N.Korea to do Chris Brown's job.

   Facebook needs a dismember button.

   can't we just assume everyone loves their children and hates cancer??

   After a few decades, everyone you know will be dead. Problem solved.

   Having a bucket list sounds like work. No thank you.

   They say if you have a fear of spiders you are more likely to find one in your bedroom..............I'm really afraid of Mila Kunis.

   Anybody else wonder why Noah didn't swat the two mosquitoes?

   She: Your cute. Me: My cute what?

   One man's birthday is another man's free liquor day.

   If you love someone set them free. If they comeback, probably it was a Fast & The Furious Movie.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   Vegas - Where women proudly show off their legs. San Francisco - Where men do the same.

   The best way to ruin my day is by asking me, "How's life treating you?" or "What's new?".