Funny Status Messages

   I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

   I don't care if you are gay or straight, I will do my best to talk you out of getting married equally.

   Can you guys in a relationship stop bragging please? Not all of us have a cat.

   I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

   I read that a banana a day will help keep your colon clean. I just wish they would’ve mentioned that you’re supposed to eat them.....

   Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!

   FACT; Religion has caused more misery to all of mankind in every stage of human history than any other single idea.

   having my phone number is like having a direct line to God, But better, because I answer.. .

   Sometimes for fun I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they open the door,,, I say, "Hey! Sorry I'm late."

   funny, I see anyone wearing those "LiveStrong" wristbands anymore...

   Might name my kid puberty, so everyone can hit puberty

   I can't wait for summer in Canada............. I hear it's gonna be on a Saturday this year

   jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Makes animal noises whenever someone approaches

   Dental Assistant aka The one who passes things to the dentist

   What if you just started licking the dentist fingers while they were in your mouth.

   The best neighbors are the ones you never see.

   Don't text and drive. You don't want "lol" to be the last thing you say before you die.

   My signature move is falling in love with people I can't have.

   Dogs: OMG YOU'RE HOME! I LOVE YOU!!! Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty...fill it..I'll be on the couch.