Funny Status Messages

   So there I was, wanking myself off, when suddenly I thought "This prostitute is lazy".

   If people winked as much in real life as they do in text, this world would be a really creepy place.

   I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.

   I always have sex with the front door open, So I can give Jehovas something to witness.

   God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.

   Hold your horses there Plex-King. A little moderation if you please.

   Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That's not lazy, that's proactive.

   I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.

   I wonder if there is a secret feud between rocket scientists and brain surgeons.

   May I borrow your pen? I promise to return it all chewed up and full of spit.

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha

   The most important sense you have is humor.

   My favorite Star Trek episode is that one where Captain Kirk saves the Klingons hundreds of dollars on hotel reservations.

   ♫Refract light like a diamond! Refract light like a diamond!♫" - If Rihanna went to science class

   I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.

   Bruno Mars has the voice of an angel and the lyrics of a 13 year old girl.

   Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

   there are two types of people...don't worry you are not one of them.

   Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.