Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.

   I'm out like Obama in 3 years. Nite all!

   "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas...except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you"

   wonders who's bright idea it was to shut down facebook chat for maintenence -___-

   The jersey shore cast is dumber than a 5th grader..

   There are no Puerto-Ricans on Star Trek...It appears they don't work in the future either........

   I can read minds... Youre reading my status right now arent you..

   I dont get when people say "I remember my first beer".... Cause I sure as hell dont..

   did you know that the word "bed" looks like a bed itself?

   did you know that the following first letter of the months: july, august, sept, oct, and nov. it spells out "JASON" ?

   life's a b!tch, then you marry one.

   A son's prayer "Lord, please let me grow up to be just like my dad." A Fathers prayer "Lord, please let me be the kind of man my son thinks I am."

   Rock breaks scissors. But paper covers rock, and scissors cut paper! We have a conundrum. Search for paper... and bring me a rock.

   listen up men, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?

   took his ex out last night... only took one punch.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said 'I wanna watch'

   If a book about failure doesn't sell, does it become a succes?

   "sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2.

   -- The Icelandic volcano that has fu***d the majority of Europe's air travel is situated in Eyjafjallajokull, which translates into English as 'fell asleep on my keyboard'.....