Funny Status Messages
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FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up. 
Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
To further prove that Wal Mart is low class, I let a smelly one rip in one of the grocery aisles. Folks came a running thinking the store had set up a food sample stand. Unrelated, never trust a fart.
Glad the Kool Aid Man won a Grammy! Ohhhh that was Adele
John Mayer is wearing a sofa from 1972.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
Nothing’s forever. Forever’s a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.
I blame movies for my high expectations in relationships.
Every time I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the damn lock.
Hey, Windows 8..... YOU SUCK... I should have bought a Mac...
There’s been over 30 billion messages posted on Facebook, and yet most of us have never even talked to our neighbors.
I came across a show called "It's Me or the Dog"......I gotta say that I was immensely disappointed when I found that it wasn't a game show where people had to guess who farted...
LAPD are looking for a black guy who shot some people. so far, they have 3 million suspects...
Damn, You suddenly realize that you're all grown up that moment when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kicking it under the fridge.
im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."
i've been looking for the key to happiness....apparently it isnt on my keyboard or my phone
JT doesn't stand for Justin Timberlake...but for JUST TIRED
Chocolate contains 'phenylethylamine'. That's the same natural chemical your brain produces when you fall in love. And you wonder why women like chocolate. 