Funny Status Messages

   I have a question. How is it that the man who wasn't good enough to wed your daughter, can somehow be the father of the smartest grandchildren in the world?

   When you're driving, and Nicki Minaj is on all 3 radio stations at the same time, there's no choice other than to drive off a cliff.

   At least my computer goes down on me

   I think the National Weather Service is a front for the National Grocery Association

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???

   i have a really good feeling this is all just going to be rain!

   I just blocked someone for having the same name as my ex.. That's normal, right guys?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies in the basement.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   I wanna f uck you so hard we both forget you're ugly.

   Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts.

   All clowns are serial killers. It's a fact.

   Nobody has criticized me yet today. I should call my ex-wife and say hello.

   Of course I'm looking for the right person, because they say opposites attract and I'm already wrong.

   My Bologna has a first name, but it ain't Oscar !

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   My ex said she left me because of my short attention span. Unbeknownst to her I actually…damn that’s a cool ass word right? Unbeknownst.

   I'm black but not "talk loud all through your movie" black. HAHA JUST KIDDING I'M USING SIRI TO TYPE THIS TWEET DURING YOUR STUPID MOVIE!!

   I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.

   I don't know much about art, but my favorite pictures have a man’s junk drawn on them...