Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looks like arnold schwarzenegger...but before he begins taking steroids.

   I see Woods is going after Couples now.

   just realized life hasn't changed much. 15years ago on Sunday night I was wishing I was grown up and had a job. Today night I'm up wishing I was in school.......

   used to have a machete, but times have changed

   normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

   It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

   Trust is like a piece of paper,once its crumpled it cant be perfect!

   -- The most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position... The husband sits and begs for it while the wife rolls over and plays dead.

   Justin Bieber's songs are just about as deep as his voice...

   Velcro is a ripoff

   Tiger Woods ended his week at the Masters with an impressive 69.. His golf was also quite successful.

   Phil mickleson has by far the sloppiest titties of any professional athletes that I have ever seen.

   "You want the booth?!? You can't handle the booth!" Jack Nicholson working at Perkins

   when the roomates away, in my underwear I will stay

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can both smell it, but can't eat it!

   I'm no Proctologist, but I know an a**hole when I see one.

   you should never brag on your spouse because as soon as you do, next thing you know they're f-ing a tattooed nazi

   You're one of those people who pushes when the door says pull aren't you?

   wondering why abbreviated is such a long word?

   women are much smarter than men.Think about it,diamonds are girls' best friend...a mans best friend is a dog.