Funny Status Messages

   This is not a post. This is a lip-sync of a post.....

   i miss you like a deadline

   word of the day is Satin. Girl ain't doin' nuttin but satin on the couch all day watchin her stories...

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   You only live once, so don't forget to spend 16 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers.

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   Happy Hump Day means zip to the 15% who work weekends, the 30% who do six days a week, 8% unemployed, 10% disabled, 15% on call, and the 20% who are retired. To the 2% that this actually applies to....bl0w me.

   Hey! Just because I'm a jerk to your face, doesn't mean I don't talk sweet about you behind your back!

   Its so cold outside I had to put Jack in my Coke to keep it from frezzing.

   Friend asks me "Why do you carry a gun?" I reply "because a cop is too damn heavy to carry"

   FYI: Every year the Justice League puts kryptonite candles on Superman's birthday cake,, just to fool him into thinking he's getting too old..

   Men usually have a name for their "man parts". I guess I will call mine "Vinny and Da Two Yutes" :)

   It is so cold, when I came to work this morning I saw a hitchiker holding up a photograph of his thumb.

   Hey Cougars, FYI: drunk h0rny guys will go home with anyone. You're actually not that special.

   all you ladies look better after some beertox...

   One day I will find a wife. Don't know who's, but I will find her...

   In Dumb People News: 3 Dudes tried to rob a Redbox last night for the Money inside of it..

   seriously people, we all have smart phones. Stop with the weather updates on FB...

   You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.

   Tell me everything, so I can secretly judge you. - most people