Funny Status Messages

   ■Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.

   Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   Its sad that while half the world is starving, the other half is stuffing itself obesse like its getting read for hibernation. You should be ashamed of yourselves you fat asses out there.

   You just join FB 10 minutes ago and I'm the first person you send a friend request to when I don't even know you. STALKER ALERT NOW ON!

   What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.

   Quick, have sex with me, I'll explain later.

   I bet Nicolas Cage smells like birds.

   I went on Twitter this week. Don't worry, they are not getting any sex there either.

   I'll call you ‘mate' because saying your name would be a little bit gay - British men

   I'm really good at hide and seek. Hide my ex's dead body and seek a new girlfriend.

   I don't care how I die just as long as it's my fault.

   A real superpower is smiling during your hardest times.

   I'd count on you only if I ran out of fingers.

   It's too bad your delusions of grandeur are superseded by your ability to self sabotage.

   Your words of wisdom make me want to seek the tranquility and comfort of a mental institution.

   You won't be able to talk after I give you multiple sarcasms.

   Don't just love me, be in love with me & show me true happiness; after all, we've got to make it worth the forthcoming heartbreak.

   Ladies, why spend hundreds on make-up, sexy clothes, & perfume looking for Mr. Perfect when you can just eat a banana at the grocery store?

   I farted So loud,,, it scared the dog out of the room and I raised my hands in triumph and shouted,,, "There can be only one!"