Funny Status Messages

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   In the absence of peace & love, we teach war & hate as an escape from the problems we are too lazy to solve.

   you should only be able to change your relationship status once every 30 days!

   There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!

   I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!"

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   She left the toilet seat up. I found the perfect woman... I hope

   When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking... Unless the answer is yes... In which case, can he videotape it?

   I know a kid named Jay, but we call him J for short.

   Warning to my friends who don't eat sweet and fatty foods, don't drink coffee, don't stay up late: One of these days you'll lose friends. Everyone's dead except you

   1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

   Throwing ice at people because they need to chill...

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's

   I'm one of those Dads that tells his son to push back when he's been pushed.

   "It wasn't always easy growing up. Sometimes we had to wait .04 seconds for 9 million Google results to load." - 2044 Presidential candidate

   I would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   Pictures of rich missing kids should go on the back of 1% milk.