Funny Status Messages

   I suspect someone has a voodoo doll of me out there that they make watch Jersey Shore and listen to Justin Bierber.

   Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

   Glancing in the mirror this morning, I gasped in horror. mouth opened I slowly raised my hand to my head and plucked not 1, but 2 grey hairs from my fringe line! it was at that moment in time that it finally hit me.....I'm getting old!!!

   Best pickup line: "I don't have a gag reflex."

   The J€ws only use the Old Testament, because its too expensive to upgrade.

   When I was a kid I was really scared of the dark. Two of them mugged me and stole

   what can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon???

   Relationships are all about finding someone that completely trusts you. In other words, naive.

   Polygamy sounds great until you realize you have to keep all the wives happy.

   I am so hungry I think I'd probably choose pizza over sex right now.

   I asked my mom one time why I was white and she was black. She said, " the way I remember the party you're lucky you don't bark."

   Relationships are all about finding someone that works opposite hours than you so you never have to see them.

   maybe i'll get laid by my wife....she said that will happen once in a blue moon

   are the smurfs just a midget tribe of the Avatars?

   Last night I tried to hang myself with about 20 bungee cords... If you're wondering,,, I almost died a bunch of times

   Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...

   I am a female. Fe = Iron. Male = Man. Therefore I am Iron Man.

   if every guy was like me there would be a lot of happy women out there

   Why not just go to a club where the roof is already high enough?

   I should have known it wasn't going to be a real Supercut when they put my cape on backwards.