Funny Status Messages
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The East Nile virus is apparently not as deadly or notorious? 
Hurricane Isaac . Just like Obama, promises so much, but when it's time to get down and dirty, fails to deliver.
Which part of New Orleans was the first to surrender to the Hurricane Isaac flood waters? The French Quarter.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Trying 2 improve my self image, so I placed a note on my mirror that reads "objects are smaller than they appear."
We couldn't afford to go to "SeaWorld",, So I took the kids to the fish market,, and it went like this.. Kids: Dad,, why aren't the fish moving? Me: Shhh,,,, the fish are sleeping.. Kids: But,,They're breaded ?Me: that's their blankie..
Science Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die
"Lisa from down the street just showed me a picture of her new baby on her phone." I said to my wife. "That's great" she beamed, "So what did she have?" I said, "One of those Blackberry Curves I think..."
Sorry... my powers can only be used for good.
gonna take the Christmas lights down...
Hey Tiffany, Hurricane Isaac is gonna hit the Gulf Coast. no where near the West coast.... got back to high school...
When I text someone in the same room as me, I stare at them until they get it...
How do Vampires shave each day.....I mean they are not able to see their reflection in the mirror.
My ship has sailed, now I am waiting for the UFO.
I need to find out what my company needs to do in order to get protests by topless women.
Single life might be lonely, but at least I'm always with my favorite person
Apparently, mother nature isn't too fond of the brothers either…
"You must not only respect the pouch, but yourself as well." - Capri-Sun Tzu
When I'm calling someone, while the phone is still ringing, I rehearse to myself how I'm going to say hello..
I'm so proud of my African pen pal friend. He tells me he hasn't had a drink in weeks. I'm so glad, he's staying sober. 