Funny Status Messages

   With proper application of LSD, any horse can talk like Mr. Ed.....

   Unless there's a new app that lets you shoot people, that phone holster looks ridiculous.

   What if you *didn't* put a giant sticker on your car that said what kind of car it is? That could be cool too...

   Two of the three times I've jumped out of a moving car, Creed was on the radio. The other time my grandma entered the freeway the wrong way.

   Note to Ladies; Relationships don't turn a$$holes into princes

   Eight minutes to microwave my lasagna?? I don't want to eat it tomorrow...

   Fellas; If she doesn't call you every minute of the day, never let her go.

   So my old company keeps trying to get me to come back. They must have some new high tech layoff system they want to test.

   So we're expected to believe the 500,000 people who won't bother to get a state issued ID are actually going to bother to vote??

   Being gay, is never having to say I'm sorry... I got you pregnant.

   I'd never slip a roofie in your drink, that's a Mentos.

   I'm not addicted to alcohol. I`m just in an abusive relationship with it.

   Just gave my girlfriend my two week notice.

   My body hurts from all the sex I'm not having.

   I'm getting drunk while depressed. If I have your phone number, now would be a good time to your phone off.

   You say, "I think we should see other people" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.

   The cats puke looks pretty much exactly like normal cat food. I wonder if they would notice if I just put it back in their bowl?

   Granddad sure does love his baths - He's been in there for three days now.

   Mandatory Obamacare...for those that cant afford jobs

   If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges"..