Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm 99.9999% sure you're not in love with me, but it's that 0.0001% that gives me hope and keeps me holding on.

   I use to be nice, nice guys finish last, so I did what any smart person would do; I adjusted....

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.

   One day, I'll start messing with your feelings and you'll get mad because I finally learned how to play your game and beat you at it.

   I just got my pen!s caught in my zipper,,,,,,,,,,, I knew I shouldn't have bought those zip up shoes.

   I dropped my M&M's down the loo as I flushed. It was like a mini nascar race.

   Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. For many people today is Toileto de Puko

   My date went pretty well last night. I was really attracted to her and sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex for hours. Kinda makes me wonder why didn't I get a taser sooner.

   I could never go to a hip hop concert. I never feel like saying either Hey or Ho when told to.

   sooo glad tomorrow is Monday!!! (crickets chirping)...what?...

   If you own a dog you know... The Look...

   If anyone's interested,, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 3 pm on, until I'm removed by security.

   I begin all my orders at Arby's by saying,,, "Listen, I've got nothing to prove to you."

   I'm pretty sure Adam and Eve loved being the first people,, cuz they didn't have to worry about ghosts

   I know two wrongs don't make a right. My life has been a never ending quest to determine just how many are required.

   (づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

   According to Facebook, everyone did some really fun things with the kids this weekend and has a dog.

   What if... birds aren't singing, they're just screaming because they're scared of heights?