Funny Status Messages

   I put the o in illiterate.

   I was talking to this girl at the bar last night and she said, ''If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and a haircut, you'd look civilized and I would talk to you''. And I said, ''If I did all that then I would be talking to your hotter friend”

   My marriage is very successful because my spouse has not left me yet...

   I never said I went to "high school",I said I went to "school high".

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   I would only go to Heaven to break out a couple of friends.

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!

   My girlfriend is like my iPad...........I don't have an iPad.

   Never treat a slut like a girlfriend, let some other dumb guys do that.

   Mayweather is a Legend. Its just a shame he practices on his girlfriend and kids.

   I wished my neighbor hated weeds as much as I do....

   "Don't make me Chris Brown you, b!tch"

   The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign langauge is, "I know you guys are talkin sh!t about me."

   PMS = [P]repare to [M]eet [S]atan.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard" ?*

   · you know if she hasn't text ya back half of the the night you know shes taken care of

   I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.