Funny Status Messages

   You know you're an unwanted ugly child when you have been breast fed by the family dog

   I love Sundays, because my Italian grandmother cooks THE BEST crystal meth.

   You know you're ugly when the plastic surgeon wants to add a tail

   Who says I can`t cook? You obviously haven`t tasted my cereal !

   Goku had died and been ressurrected so many times it would make a Hindu dizzy.

   What a night! Got drunk with some friends; broke into the zoo; had a very realistic dream about having sex with a midget nun; woke up with a penguin in my bed. EPIC!

   No I do not want to watch your sister's wrestling match, but I'd love to see her box.

   I am watching women's softball for the first time. I wish the camera would focus on the batter's box.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   For guys who try on women's clothing, if you really thought like a woman you would realize that you are wearing something that just doesn't fit.

   *spank* . DIDN'T . *spank* . I. *spank* . TELL *spank* YOU *spank* TO *spank* . CLEAN . *spank* . UP ? MOVE YA HAND !

   Before you decide to just stay home tonight remember, Beastie Boys have fought and died for your right to party.

   Fool me once, shame on my personal fool-stopper, Reginald.

   Don't you hate it when being polite and holding a door open turns into a "clowns in a car trick"?

   If you're going to be a dcik, you might as well be a huge one

   Ever skip a day from taking a shower, and you run your finger behind your ears and it smells like parmesan cheese?

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   My wife wanted to try something different in bed last night. So we had sex.

   My wife told me I spend too much time on facebook, so I poked her and liked her divorced status.

   Last night my wife said to me, "What would you do without me?" Apparently, "Your sister" was the wrong answer.