Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.

   You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.

   You like to sleep? Damn me too. Let's do it some time together ;)

   I want Jimmy Neutron's Brain, Phineas & Ferb's Summer, and Timmy Turner's Goldfish

   I'm still waiting on the movie 'Twilight: Lights Out' starring Blade to come out.

   it's no longer a secret that they are getting serviced.

   Attention, stoners: No, you don't qualify for medical marijuana just because you smoked a blunt and beat your roommates in Operation.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   whos your step daddy once removed by your second cousin?!

   had to quit his part-time job crushing soft drink cans. It was soda pressing.

   I wish I was in the X-Men so I could always look at Wolverine before a fight and say, "How are we gonna claw our way outta this one?"

   I thought I was gaining weight. Turns out, I'm just really bad at doing my own laundry.

   My local Walmart has 28 checkout aisles except for when it's really busy then it only has 2 

   Last night a horse asked me if I was planning on driving home. There might've been a cop on top of it.

   I bet people working at the U.S treasury make a lot of money. (I write my own jokes)

   I just saw the most adorable Asian baby and I tried to say, "Aww, so cute," but her mom smacked me before I got to "cute."

   wondering why the need to pee intensifies by a million when you're trying to unlock the door?