Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   says "The early bird gets the worm, but the night owl gets the tequila!!"

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. "Hey, Mr. Embassy man... two snaps ka-boom!"

   reuse, recycle, regift.

   Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop."

   can't go to a nudist wedding, Women might mistake me for the Bestman."

   You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute..."

   wonders if suacide bombers text. "BRB ... J/K! I won't BRB." Or, "TTFN SYIHW72V" = ta ta for now, see you in heaven with 72 virgins.

   saw a pirate movie the other day... It was rated ARRRRRRRRR!

   Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty!

   I saw a dog walking his blonde earlier today.

   The WIFE and her husband's CREDIT CARD....The True Marriage.

   Once in a while, engage in random acts of kindness. It scares the hell out of your enemies!

   says: "some girls are made of sugar and spice. MY GIRLS ARE MADE OF VODKA AND ICE!!"

   ...unreal gold medal hockey game...and a record breaking 14 Olympic golds....Canada is amazing..if we didn't have Nickelback we would be the best country in the world.

   .2 muffins were in a hot oven, 1 said 2 the other, "its getting hot in here" and the other one shouted, "AHH! a talking muffin!"

   a snail without a shell naked or homeless?

   It takes 37 muscles to frown, 17 to smile...but only 3 to pull a trigger

   Sorry I burst into uncontrollable laughter at something you didn't remotely intend to be funny

   A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.

   glad to hear that SeaWorld is reopening its "safer" shows this week featuring Norman, the Involuntary Manslaughter Whale.