Funny Status Messages

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   I feel a little better when I remember that Lady Gaga is just as scared of us, as we are of it.

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   Hates that scary moment when you stare at your 10 yr olds empty bed and think..."Maybe that "I'm running away" speech wasn't an April Fool's joke....

   Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!”

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.

   I someitmes wonder what magical things would've been created had we all put our creativity towards something other than making the internet laugh

   King Arthur: "What size and shape should we make the table?"................Sir Mix-a-lot: " I LIKE 'EM ROUND...AND BIG!"

   Years ago I walked in on my parents having sex. You should see my face in the video.

   Hey ladies, if you are looking for a tough, manly boyfriend, then that DEFINITELY wasn't me that ran screaming down the hall when I walked into that spider web... I swear.

   I had a great joke, but Ryan Leaf stole it......