Funny Status Messages

   Math Problem: If Matt has 16 oz of coffee and loses 4 oz at each of 5 speed bumps going into work, how many seconds until Matt kills everyone?

   so happy spring is finaly here.....i got so excited I nearly wet my plants!!!!!

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   Best Christian pick up line " I was reading the book of numbers and then I realized I did not have yours "

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   Jesus may have walked on water, but Stephen Hawking runs on batteries.

   My friend recently died whilst playing golf. Police say they are unsure what the cause of death was but I'm certain it was a stroke.

   It must be a tough for someone who suffers with Bulimia and OCD. Imagine eating alphabet soup & trying to puke it up in alphabetical order.

   When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a effin spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over & over so your friend knows "exactly" where you are.

   Surprised to hear Chris Brown had released a single ft. Justin Bieber. I thought Chris was legally obliged to stay 100ft away from women

   If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

   My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I don't want to leave it the same way.

   Rihanna's IQ is 117. Can you beat that? Chris Brown can!