Funny Status Messages

   That special feeling of joy when a baby grabs your finger with their whole hand.

   2011: Every day I'm shuffling. 1836: Each and every riseth of the sun I will be moving thy feet in a whimsical manner.

   In 1911, Dracula fed himself 16 year old virgin girls' blood. He died of hunger in 2011.

   =+(:) <--- stewie griffin

   If your lawyer has a ponytail or a cowboy hat, you're a$$ is going to jail.

   Google "do a barrel roll" (look at the screen while typing)

   How do I politely tell a new guy at work that “I do the jokes around here”?

   I would take a bullet for my wife, unless it was fired out of a gun.

   The world's oldest profession? Unemployment.

   At the end of job interviews I always ask, "On a scale of 8-10, how amazing was I?"

   Sure I'll quit Facebook. Just as soon as someone teaches my 'real life' friends to be as funny and cool as my 'fake' Facebook friends!

   If you smile in a Walmart and you have teeth everyone will think you're fancy.

   That akward moment when you don't really like your crush. You like the imaginary version of them which you created in your head.

   How do you keep a blonde occupied for a few hours? Tell her to count the stairs on an escalator.

   Dear Santa, I didn't want to make it too hard for you this year, so, the only thing on my list this year is 1 year paid leave from work. with bonus

   Status update: Still Lower middle class hoping to become Lower upper class but wishing I was Upper upper class.

   The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.

   Just got back from my high school Football coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation of chocolate covered toothpaste.