Funny Status Messages
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Hamburger Helper only works when the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help. 
If you ran as much as your mouth did, you'd be in great shape...
I love to use the holidays as an excuse to gift, re-gift and de-gift meaningless merchandise.....I wonder if that would qualify me as an "Indian Gifter"? ツ
good girls may go to heaven but bad girls take you there
It's a good thing it's not really like the bees, otherwise men would die shortly after sticking it in.
I just killed a spider with my shoe. I don't care how big spiders are but no one steals my f*cking shoes!
If the colts go 0 and 14 should we rest are starters for the playoffs?
What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers? Well hung
Donald Trump and the Kardashians represent the worst in American culture, greed and self centeredness. May they just go away.
Donald Trump, first hampster to human hair transplant recipient.
as now kim kardashian has decided to end her marriage, my earnest request to her to release her new se*tape to support last version and to keep going the process well.
now I don't care about not having a girlfriend. Siri listens to all of my needs!
In a party, handsome guy approached a girl and asked her "r you goin 2 dance?" Girl felt so happy and said,"YES" The guy said-"thats good . . . . . can I have your chair?"
No one calls you at 3am "Just to talk"
When I told her she had the "Body of a Lane Bryant model", I meant it in a good way!
Okay Garbanzo we get it. Your 14-year old girlfriend is fat, ugly and cut herself shaving while drunk.
If I worked in a restaurant and people asked for coke, I would just hand them a rolled up dollar and say "excellent choice there madam"
I pointed to two old farts sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". He said "Dude, that's a mirror"
You call it it multiple personalities, I call it social networking in my head.
Pre Gaming for Thanksgiving, no food for the next 24 hours. 