life Funny Status Messages

   I just want the confidence of the first prehistoric fish who crawled out of the water like screw this I’m gonna change my life.

   Life hack: Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

   Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

   We're living in a real life DC Universe where The Joker pardoned The Penguin.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

   I deactivated my automatic spell checker on Facebook. Who I really didn't know in real life anyways.

   I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.

   When I first noticed you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.

   I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

   2020 love life: The washing machine has seen me naked more often than anyone else.

   How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.

   Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

   turning older than 12 years old was the biggest mistake of my life

   I've social distancing most of my life - now everybody's doing it. Now I'm just waiting for everybody to experiment with autoerotique asphyxiation.

   Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

   [Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

   Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”