life Funny Status Messages

   Continuing to play the victim is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Blaming others for your situation in life will indeed make you a victim but the abuser will be your own self, not life or those around you.

   I don't have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that's followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life

   Just cleaned out my friends list and for the first time in my life I finally know what they meant in Auld Lang Syne when they wrote "Should old acquaintances be forgot, and never brought to mind"

   I am now at the point in my life where I’m excited about finding change on the ground.

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.

   “Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

   The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never smpathized more with women in my life.

   You mean lies like "I never met Stormy Daniel's in my life"?

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   Bless the millions that will be attending the March for Life in DC today, with our President.

   Life's short, don't scroll it away!

   At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.

   The best things in life require no pants.

   There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

   If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

   It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

   There’s too much 3-D going on in theaters today. I miss 2-D. And come to think of it, I also miss Tootie from “The Facts of Life.”

   I've never Kung Fu kicked so many toilet seats in all my life.