Funny Status Messages

   I am not a mirror: I see you completely differently from the way you see yourself. Bear that in mind next time you want to ask me how you look.

   OCCUPATION: Bullsh*t Recognition Specialist.

   I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from Harry Potter. When your best friend gets the girl, bang his sister instead!

   GRAPEVINE??? lol Noooope I heard it through FACEBOOK lololol

   I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

   Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison

   The phrase “I need to talk to you” has the ability to strike fear into the heart of anyone

   I was asked what I would give the woman who has everything? Well…my phone number for a start.

   Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e

   I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death.

   Sometimes, in a relationship, there comes a time you have to quit bullsh*tting and just shut up, swallow your pride, accept that you are wrong and apologize. It's not giving up, it's called growing up.

   This is the kind of heat that causes Rob Thomas and Santana to collaborate.

   We get it. Female without the vowels is FML. Enough.

   I am glad I am American, and I am glad that I am free, but I wish I was a dog, and Obama was a tree.

   As long as Rebecca Black is alive Casey Anthony will always be the 2nd most hated living person

   We worry too much about sleeping with someone we don´t know than to actually take the time to find someone worth waking up to.

   On "It starts tomorrow diet."

   I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my Doctor calls them, symptoms...

   I find it annoying when someone posts "Got the most exciting news today!" Then when asked what, it turns out to me something lame like "My cat is pregnant again."

   utilizing a fake phone call to avoid being solicited at the pump.