Funny Status Messages

   I wish they made a “no soliciting” sign for the phone!

   J-Lo's Checklist: ✓Sean Combs ✓Cris Judd ✓Ben Affleck ✓Marc Anthony __Simon Fuller __Randy Jackson __Steven Tyler __Flavor Flav

   (Insert depressing and melancholy observations, complaints and status updates in this box.)

   Who ever decided that a 1" mars bar should be called fun size must be stupid .. seriously .. when is anything that is only 1" long fun. I mean come on, you need at least half a dozen to fulfil your needs

   Please don't throw your cigarette butts in the urinal... It makes them soggy and hard to light.

   If I have to explain one more time why I'm wearing a cast, I'm writing "Attacked by Ninjas" on it!

   In my next life, I pray Zinggers don't taste so good.

   Batman. Not because I have to be. Now because I choose to be.

   ‎Some girls are angels and some are devils smart enough to look like one

   This really ugly girl asked me earlier... if I thought she was attractive. I didnt want to be mean and I also didnt want to lie. So I thought for a second and told her I thought she was "Wal-Mart Sexy".

   No one ever is as good looking as his/her profile pic, and as ugly as his/her driving license.

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling rolling around in a pile of money, then snorting it.

   When humans mutilate and dismember each other in movies it's Rated R, but apparently when Autobots and Decepticons do it it's PG-13.

   (Login to Facebook)...(No NEW notifications/messages/requests)....(Checks News Feed,..Nothing interesting)....(LOG OFF).......(Repeats in the next 7 minutes)

   That rather uncomfortable moment when you see a really really really ugly person and you thank god that the person can't read minds.

   What a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today.

   Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling swimming in her money bin like Scrooge McDuck.

   An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?" Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

   I ate so many Popsicles yesterday that I just farted a rainbow ..

   Usually, the person who tries to make everyone happy is the loneliest and saddest person.