Funny Status Messages

   There's a new way to transfer funds that's even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   Twitter makes me love people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life.

   : Imagine the great things in a person's character you would miss out on if you limited yourself to a list of things you are looking for in a person.

   Whenever I see the phrase "unforeseen circumstances", my brain ALWAYS reads "unforeskinned circumcision" instead. Just for that split second. I don't know why, it just does.

   Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.

   As a woman, I will always feel judged when buying a cucumber.

   Sometimes it's hard to know know what to say to cheer someone up who's going through a rough patch in their life. Turns out letting them stare at my cleavage is enough.

   was excited this morning when I received an email with a subject line of "Beaver" and an attached pic. My excitement was crushed when I opened it only to discover it was a picture of an actual beaver.

   I like how Facebook tells me I found these friends using their friend finder. um no I found these friends before I had hair on my balls back when I could have been rich had I thought of Facebook

   You know what they say about a man and his feet. And that's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.

   learned yesterday to never EVER play "Simon Says" with my 5-yr-old. "Simon Says stick your finger in your butt." What do you do then? Refuse and thus forfeit? Or comply and be humiliated? Either way, he wins.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'm coming to your house with a facking baseball bat.

   Question of the day: If cannibals argue with each other, is it considered a food fight?

   "Want half of my sandwich?"- Jeffery Dahmer

   I just came up with a new reality show. It's called "Pushing the Kardashians Into Oncoming Traffic." One episode is all you'll need....

   You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.

   The color 9 is my favorite letter.

   some people just don't understand sarcasm.

   says a lot of Democrats are standing behind Congressman Weiner, not because they support his cause, they are simply afraid what would happen to them if they stood in front him.

   Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver