life Funny Status Messages

   Just ate a half slice of cold pizza abandoned by my kid and wondered for the first time if I really AM Living My Best Life

   My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

   Life gave me onions.... onionade sucks.

   There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.

   I looked at the guy standing next to me in the check out line and said, "At what point in your life did you decide it was okay to wear light pink socks?" He answered back, "I do one load of laundry a week, how about you?

   Life is like a rubik's cube. It only takes a few wrong turns to scramble it up, but then it takes forever to put things right.

   If you watch Friday the 13th backwards, Jason's machete is a magic wand that brings kids back to life and sends them to summer camp...

   My Life Isn't American Idol, So Quit Trying To Judge Me!!!

   I wish I had the kind of life my spam folder thinks I have!

   I'm extremely happy which can only mean that life is going to get real fucky here any minute.

   LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie

   Last night while having pasta, the lid to the parmesan cheese came off and way too much parmesan cheese spilled onto the plate. I learned an invaluable life lesson from this experience. There is no such thing as "way too much parmesan cheese".

   I take solace in knowing that somewhere in a parallel universe my life is spiraling into control.

   Her: where have you been my whole life? Me: chillin on my couch

   Life is like a box of chocolates. An emotional woman can destroy one in 5 minutes.

   *Taps life on shoulder* What's your fcukin problem with me?

   So Not Paying Your Child Support CAN cost you Your Life!

   Opening the wrong kitchen cupboard and drowning in a "Bag for life" tsunami

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone