Funny Status Messages

   Friends don't let friends get tagged in pictures which can cause breakups.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass

   Never say never...Unless someone asks if you're going to see the new Justin Bieber film

   April Fools' Day was the worst day ever to have a heart attack

   Tiger's best 18 holes since Elin found out about the other 18 holes he was playing...

   Clearly - Tiger Woods is getting laid again......

   The Comedy Awards is on tonight, don't know what category it would be in but the Rebecca Black video needs to be nominated for SOMETHING!

   t pisses you off when your wife gets pregnant,everyone rubs her belly & says "congrats!" but nobody rubs your d*ck & says "Good Job!"

   Conscience is that inner voice which warns us that someone may be looking.

   "The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self lubricating. It takes any size pistonAnd it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so tempermental."

   If you need a car that dose the parallel parking for you then you should NOT be driving to begin with .

   I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

   Tonight at 11: A channel 3 exclusive - How a dangerous game of peekaboo sent two children to the ICU.

   lost the key to my imagination, and now I can't start my unicorn

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   Cats are really not all that bad...................It turns out, I've been cooking them wrong this whole time...

   I can't remember where I put my xanex

   TOMORROW...One of the greatest labor saving devices of today

   AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

   I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long....