life Funny Status Messages

   You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?

   I must assume that if you are waiting for a politician to make a change in your life you enjoy the finer things like waiting for customer service on the phone, waiting for the doctor at his office, or standing in lines at airport security.

   When I was a kid, I was told "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." For the first seven years of my life everyone thought I was a deaf-mute.

   Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.

   My life is like Grand Theft Auto V except I drive a Subaru Outback and the cops wave at me

   I just don't get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

   I think I've already smoked this life down to the filter.

   I think I've finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.

   Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it's a survival thing.

   First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good.....

   My life is like a good woman. It really scuks.

   At what point during my neighbors sob story about losing her job do I mention I only have 2% battery life?

   When life gives you melons you have dyslexia

   Jimmy's life would have been so much better if he had been taught to do the Hokey Pokey rather than just cracking corn.

   You're saying," All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships. " DO you have life?

   Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.

   Life would be better if squirrels liked sitting on our shoulders. You can’t be sad with a cool squirrel friend on your shoulder.

   I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.

   Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.

   Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster