Funny Status Messages

   Nobody touch me for 5 minutes and give me a cigarette...I just filled my tank at the gas station

   I've been trying to teach my mate how to play golf recently but the problem seems to be his drive. His wife stands on it and doesn't let us out.

   Apparently Cheryl Cole must drop her accent for the X-Factor to succeed in America. I reckon the show would work better if she dropped her knickers instead.

   Deleting all emails as they come in without reading them. Like a boss.

   Did I un-jam the copier? Yes. Does that make me a hero? Not for me to say. But probably.

   It's official I've finally been over notified.

   Who would have thought that giving an actor with a history of drug addiction $2 million an episode would have turned out badly?

   The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...

   Eskimos supposedly have 52 words for snow. That's weird, so does Charlie Sheen.

   I was googled Whine of the month club, and Wisconsin came up.

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   A SMART WOMEN spends all her husbands Money so he cannot Remarry, A SMART MAN makes more than his Wife can SPEND!!!

   Scr*w you recommended serving size. You don't know me

   Some people treat their body like a temple. I treat mine like a cookie jar.

   Anyone else think Charlie Sheen snorted the fine line between recreational use and addiction?

   A smart man just marries the right woman, even if it does take him years to find her.

   They should just put a big ol' "Fu** You!" sign up beside the gas prices at the gas station...

   Just saw Dianna Ross on Oprah, wow I don't think I'll ever get an erection again

   If young girls ruled the world there would be no wars. They would be too busy obsessing about Twilight and Justin beiber to do anything violent.

   What happens in Vegas end up on Facebook