Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   with some people I wouldn't even pee on if they were on fire, in fact I'd take out a marsh mellow and enjoy.

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos....

   Can't believe Obama's speech cut into Modern Family... Put him on PBS where no one cares!

   If you havent practice your alibi in front of the mirror, you haven't been in-love.

   The next person that says asks me "Think we got enough snow?" shall be given an epic whitewash.

   You want me on your wall! You need me on your wall!

   A Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   If there were to be a strip club with comedic act every night. Would it be called the Witty Titty?

   spending all day at the furburger buffet...

   My god some people would join anything... I mean if they had a cause for taking a dump in centeral park , I am sure there would be some takers!!!

   Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

   In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

   Why don't people start protesting funerals of members of the Westboro Baptist Church?

   I just learned that if you say Gullible REALLY SLOWLY, it sounds like orange. DT

   dude, I'm pretty sure your car isnt supposed to sound like a dirt bike!

   It really sucks when your in the middle of something and your batteries go dead.

   Apparently, it is nearly impossible for men to beat a women in any argument, because men have a need to make sense.

   They changed the zodiac signs! Are they just going to add in a new random month too?

   If hooters changes to a door-to-door service, would they change thier name to knockers?