Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   like the iPhone: you no longer have exclusive rights to me!

   You know the whole "pissing in the wind" thing...don't get tempted to try it...SIde Note: I Googled urine, and it is completely sterile...Just in case curiosity gets the best of ya...

   looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Facebook.

   I truly hope that we will all be friends until we are all old and senile...Then we can be NEW friends!!

   After all these years of impotence, on my headstone I want it to read, "Stiff At Last"

   You see all this snow and complain, I see potential for filling my bathtub with it and chilling many beers for a party!

   use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for solitaire.

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

   I might not be a great example, but I'm one hell of a good warning....

   i cant get addicted I use a bong it filters all the addictive stuff....dale pinapple express

   Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex boyfriend I will be there lol

   I'm on a 30 day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

   Dear "Slim Fast" -- You aren't fast enough.

   Its not a hangover - its wine flu.

   lets play a game. I will be Burger King and you be McDonalds. I'll have it my way and you will be lovin' it!

   In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.

   i want to be a bird so dat I can poop anywhere and on anyone I want

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.

   Jordan says, "I'm devastated, Alex has left a gaping hole in my life." Come off it Katie that's been there since your early teens!