Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You should never laugh at mentally challenged people,.. it's just not cooI, I have feelings too!

   Let's say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you'd take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   Unemployment rate falls to 9.4% and the U.S. economy added 103,000 jobs in December. This means 102,993 can now spend more time on Twitter!

   Wishing the King a happy 76th Birthday, where ever he is.....

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   I JUST SAW MCDONALDS NOW IS SERVING OATMEAL. HMMM THAT'S LIKE GOING TO A PROSTITUTE FOR A KISS......

   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

   The sack race.. finally Roy Hodgson wins something!

   all of you that believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

   - What do women and clouds have in common? Occasionally they f*ck off and it's a really nice day.

   Lets party like a White Guy who thinks he's black and has some black friends but most of his friends are white!!

   you might be a redneck if the tires on your truck cost more than your truck

   With all the 300+ horsepower cars they have these days with the expensive 16, 17 and 18 inch tires a 50 dollar burnout isn't very long. But it's not like you have to pay for it right now. Light um up!

   making an army of snowmen to defend my snowfort from the likes of you.

   This is pure snow! Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?!

   I have two Italian grandmothers..I am impervious to guilt.

   Someone just told me that Obama has a concrete plan to solve all economic problems. Would you like to go iceskating? Because I'm pretty sure Hell just froze over...